Unpacking: Grief and Loss
Today we are introducing a new series on the blog called Unpacking. For those who might not know, the term is psychology slang. Unpacking is taking a larger emotional or situational concept and breaking it down into smaller pieces that can be more easily understood. This is a technique therapists use to help us understand the root of issues, and better untangle other interconnected issues or feelings. This series will focus on unpacking all the details of big emotional impacts within our lives, and give insight into what the experience may entail, the causes, and root emotions, along with steps for coping, and examples of treatment.
For the first installation, we are Unpacking Grief and loss. This experience is universal in the sense that almost everyone will in their lifetime lose someone close to them, or experience the sensation of grief. Grief and loss aren't always associated with death, one may feel grief during several transitional periods, however, these emotions are almost always associated with the absence of something that you are emotionally attached to for one reason or another.
Grief is a byproduct of mourning the loss of something, and the circumstances that generate this feeling are as varied as the ways that we experience and deal with the emotional upset. As I mentioned before, grief, though often associated with death, is not only related to the loss of a loved one, there can be grief when leaving a job, or losing a friend. However, grief is characterized by its intensity. Above disappointment and sadness, grief is an emotional condition that can last for long periods and feel more heartwrenching than many other emotions we mentioned previously.
At its core, it makes sense that grief can have a long-lasting impact on us, as it can feel like many other things. Some have said that grief can feel like a betrayal, a loss, a disruption, a disappointment, and an inconvenience. Losing something you love can even feel like it distorts your perception of reality, or at the very least your expectations. It can feel like a hole ripped through your world, or that your plans for the future are being disrupted, This sort of change can be incredibly difficult to cope with. Additionally, loss often comes without warning or explanation, and even when it does it can be difficult to feel that the situation is fair, or agreeable. Cosmically, many people are fascinated with the question of why bad things happen; so it goes without saying that “bad things” can often make those left behind grapple with moral questions and feel ill at odds with the universe.
With all of these factors at play, it’s not surprising that everyone experiences and reacts to grief differently. Many of us are familiar with the stages of grief, however, these may not come sequentially as we have come to believe. The most common expressions of grief are as follows:
Denial
Anger
Guilt
Shock
Emptiness, and numbness
Bargaining or attempting to regain control
Depression
Social Withdrawl
Restlessness
Physical discomfort, such as tightness or heaviness in the throat chest, or limbs
Lethargy
Trouble focusing and Preoccupation
When losing a loved one you may experience one or all of these factors at once or over time. There is no linear timeline to the way that someone experiences grief and there is no “correct” way to cope with the pain that you experience through loss. However, there is a path to recovering and healing from the pain you are experiencing.
Recovering from grief can take a long time, and many people say that you never truly move on from the feeling. Much like depression, you may never truly cure the condition, but with proper care and attention, it becomes more manageable as time goes on. However, if you or someone you know are struggling with grief there are a few things you can do to begin the process of moving forward.
The first thing to know is that you must embrace your feelings; you have to allow yourself time to grieve. Some people find it helpful to let out the emotions associated; letting yourself cry, ruminate, scream, or take time off to process is the first step to beginning to come to terms with what has happened. Taking time to fully feel and explore the emotions associated with your loss can help you release some of the negative and make room for more positive things.
Much like with any other situation that is draining to your mental health, it’s also important to maintain a self-care routine while grieving. Routines as a whole can be very helpful as they give a sense of normalcy and give the person struggling the chance to focus on other things. It’s also worth noting that caring for yourself during this time is essential to your healing. Doing a bit extra to “cheer yourself up” or putting extra effort into regular tasks can recenter your mentality on you, and allow you to live in the present. This also reaffirms the idea that healing from grief is a deeply personal endeavor, and you have to give yourself the proper fuel to overcome the challenges ahead.
Some people may also find comfort in memorials, or incorporating rituals that remind them of or honor the person or situation that passed. For example, if you go through a divorce, make a point to have a nice dinner with friends on your anniversary, or watch a movie your grandparents liked on the day of their passing. These can be pleasant reminders of what you had, or even a reminder that there is still life after loss. As important as it is to remember, it is also important to forge forward, create happy memories, and live your life as you want. Positive experiences, either with other people in your life or alone can help offset the sadness and grief you may feel with something’s passing.
After your loss, you may need support from friends family, and potentially a therapist or counselor. We encourage those who have lost someone or something to seek out companionship and open themselves up to others. It may be difficult at first, as you may feel like a burden, or that they don’t understand how you feel, however, opening yourself up to receive help can make the burden much lighter. Even speaking about what you have experienced can empower others, and allow them to be there for you in your time of need.
On the therapy end, there are several different types of techniques used to overcome grief, but the main techniques involve a mixture of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and acceptance and commitment therapy(ACT) . The former (CBT) seeks to address negative or destructive thought patterns and restructure them to be more positive. This often paves the way for ACT which, as the name suggests, is about accepting the circumstances by embracing the emotional impact, and reality of their situation instead of fighting against it and prolonging the process of healing.
In cases of a traumatic loss, therapists are more likely to focus on overcoming the shock associated with an abrupt situation, which can involve strengthening routine and restructuring thought processes around the incident. In any case, the main goal of therapy for someone suffering from grief is to help them develop a clear understanding of what happened, find positive ways of remembrance, and strengthen coping skills. An individual developing all of these things in conjunction signals the final step of the grieving process: Acceptance.
Only through fully understanding and emotionally processing your loss can you begin to accept it as a fact of life and ease the accompanying negative feelings. Acceptance is the final step in processing grief, and though it will not bring the person or thing back, or change that you miss them it will allow you to focus your energy on continuing to live your life. Acceptance is making peace with the fact that the person is gone, and being able to live your life carrying their memory.
The feeling of loss may never fully dissipate, there will likely be days when feelings of grief will resurface. This does not mean you have failed; healing is not linear, and being able to take these days in stride and the burden of grief is a bit lighter means you are moving in the right direction.