Couples Therapy: what it is and when to try it

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love in all its forms and can leave most of us feeling sentimental about our bonds. However, this celebration can also bring up negative emotions; sometimes posts online or seeing other happy couples can bring up feelings of inadequacy within our relationship. It’s fairly normal for the average couple to go through ups and downs throughout their time together, but sometimes these differences become a little too much to bear.

Couples will sometimes get stuck in a rut, or have the same issues returning to haunt them time and time again. When these issues arise, they can eat away at the bond you share with your partner. Working with your partner and doing internal work can help reveal some solutions. However, there is another method that can be extremely beneficial when used to improve a relationship and that is couples therapy. 

Now, some may hear couples therapy and think of troubled marriages that are teetering on the edge of divorce, but this is not the only time when a couple might want to seek out counseling. Similarly to those who suffer from conditions like depression or anxiety, it can be better to seek out help before the situation becomes dire. Therapy is for everyone, even if you and your partner get along the majority of the time. If you experience distress when dealing with your partner, there are still likely patterns or behaviors that can be addressed in therapy that would improve the overall state of your relationship.

So, the question is: what is couples therapy and how can it help? Couples therapy is a type of talk therapy that is centered around resolving issues and addressing dysfunctional patterns to improve your relationship long-term. This type of therapy can be conducted online or in person and is often led by a licensed clinical social worker, a marriage and family therapist or a professional clinical counselor. There are even professionals who specialize in family and relationship therapy and have gone to school to specifically address these dynamics. 

Couples therapy can either last for a shorter time and seeks to improve immediate issues, or if a couple needs more support, they can do ongoing counseling that seeks to address more deep-rooted issues and acts as a supplement to the relationship. As I mentioned before, you don’t have to be on the brink of ending the relationship to seek out therapy. Even the occasional spat, difficulty communicating, or emotional baggage that you or your partner may be holding in the relationship can be addressed in a therapy setting. 

As with most disagreements, having an impartial third party who can hold you and your partner accountable while seeking out good compromises can make a huge difference in resolving what you may be facing. These issues can range from infidelity and dishonesty to disputes over childcare or parenting style, to needing more affection or free time. All of these concerns come up normally in relationships, but differences in perspective can prevent the resolution. This is where a therapist can step in to lend a hand.

If you are considering going to couples therapy or just want to know more about what to expect, there are a few common steps that will likely be taken by your practitioner. There will often be an introductory phone call where you explore what has you interested in therapy, what your goals are, and a brief history of both parties to ensure couples therapy is appropriate. In the initial session, you will do more exploring with your therapist. They will want to get a good idea of your communication style, relationship patterns, and how you interact with one another. After this, there will likely be sessions following where different issues are brought up by either party, and the goal will be to improve functioning around these issues and re-bond the couple who may have drifted apart as a result.

When coming into couples therapy there are a few notable approaches your therapist may take while addressing your issues, though a combination of techniques is often used. The first is the Gottman Method, wherein the focus is placed on building up positive interactions to counteract negative emotions. It focuses heavily on bids for attention, and the value of sharing and interacting with each other’s inner world. 

The second method is Emotion Focused Therapy, which focuses primarily on identifying the conflict cycle and finding bids for connection. This theory asserts that by revealing the vulnerability that causes the strain, a partner can better address the base need, therefore removing the reaction and creating more domestic peace. 

If you are reading this article and feeling like you may be interested in trying couples therapy there are a few steps you can take to get the process moving. First off, you should consider the cost of the sessions. Unlike other forms of talk therapy, couples therapy is not often covered by insurance. 

 The second important thing to consider is that, similarly to normal therapy, finding a therapist who is a good fit can be a bit of work. You and your partner must both be in agreement about the therapist, and it can be a good idea to interview with a few different candidates in order to find someone whose method you agree with. A good couples therapist is officially licensed or holds a degree in their field, and will be impartial, as well as willing to hold you both accountable for what you say and do both in and out of session when needed.

Finally, consider how long you would like to be in therapy. Some therapists can pack month's worth of work into a one or two-day intensive all-day retreat-style session. Some people may prefer to go the counseling route where you can work on your problems gradually over multiple months. 

Now that you have a better idea of what couples therapy is, the methods and goals as well as the important factors to consider when starting, the only thing left is to prepare yourself for the work. Therapists are not miracle workers. Meaningful change takes time and dedication. If you and your partner are both committed to the idea of working on your relationship then it may be time to seek out a therapist who can help you make it happen. If you or your partner is in distress, it can be all the more important to act and get the help that you need to ease your discomfort. As always, remember that there is no shame in reaching out for help when you need it; there is a therapist with the tools that you need to help you reach your goals and help you and your partner lead your best life.