Building Positive Friendships

We, as human beings, are highly social creatures. Relationships give us outlets for socialization and companionship through our experiences, for better or for worse. Moreover, those who we choose to align with often shape our world. With that in mind, it’s important to consider which types of people we want around us, and who we choose to grow close relationships with.

Many of us have clear guidelines for the type of person we would like as a romantic partner but don’t do the same for friendships. There is a common message in movies, television, and other entertainment media that would lead us to believe that our romantic relationships are the most intimate and sacred relationships we can have. Though the bond between you and a romantic partner is special, this mentality critically undervalues the role of friendships in our lives. Friendships can be special bonds that feel just as magical and intimate as those we form with romantic partners.

Aside from friendships being a typically more stable form of connection than romantic relationships, friendships have myriad other benefits. Having a reliable group of friends and acquaintances can give you a sense of purpose and belonging. It can improve your self-esteem, and even improve your mood and reduce stress. Socializing with a close friend about something important to you can give you a new perspective, allow you a release of negative emotions in a safe space, and creates the opportunity to be comforted, which can lead to growth and healing from trauma. Having several long-lasting and meaningful connections is also linked to lower rates of depression, healthier blood pressure, and even longer life.

However, friendships and romantic partnerships with someone you might not connect with will not bring you the same level of happiness as being with someone who truly is good for you. When making friends it's crucial to consider the health and positivity of these bonds. Though this may potentially sound transactional, friendships are an investment of time and energy on your part. You deserve to invest in something or someone that will give you the same back. It is important that the uplift and positivity that one friend brings into the relationship is matched by the other. This brings up the question, what does a healthy and uplifting friendship look like?

One defining characteristic of a good partnership is fairness and a sense of give and take. Even if you and your friend have similar interests, if there is a disagreement, a good friend will allow you your say and consider your wishes, even if they don't align with theirs. Good friends will appreciate the time spent together, even if it’s not exactly what they want to be doing. This also means that they shouldn't guilt you for liking the things you do or be begrudging when it comes to compromise. Acknowledging that you both have needs that deserve to be met is a sign of respect.

It’s also important to consider how your friends interact with you and with others. Are they kind to their family and the people that they work with? Similar to the way that speaking positively to yourself and others can improve your self-image, having friends who speak positively and are uplifting can do the same. Jealousy and hatefulness have no place in a healthy relationship, and if you have friends who resent you for your accomplishments more than celebrate them, their friendship may do more harm than good. 

A friendship that is high in drama or feels like a chore may also be more harmful than it is good. Friendships where one party is flaky and often stands the other up for plans do not help in forming healthy habits. Nor do you want someone who, when talking to them, always talks about themselves or only focuses on their own problems. Do they listen to you, or offer their opinion and help when it's needed?  If the answer is no, your friend might be exhibiting self-centered behavior. This can make the friendships feel less fulfilling and can prompt disconnect or aversion and feelings of stress which, in excess, can destroy any bond.

It’s also important to consider which positive traits you would want to see in a friendship and to embody them yourself. Though some people may not believe in the law of attraction, consider that the way you carry yourself does signal to others. Signaling positively and aligning with the traits you want in a friend may be the key to attracting someone you click with. This may take some reflection on your part; do you prefer someone with the same interests and viewpoints, or are you more interested in a friend who will broaden your horizons and take you out of your comfort zone? Someone, to go out with or stay in with? Whether you will spend time together every week, or only once or twice a month? Getting clear on who you are and what type of partnerships you value can help you pick out friends that will be a good fit for you.

With the framework of vetting out good friends, and the do’s and don'ts of healthy friendship in place, you can focus on the task of meeting people. This can be difficult for some, and you may not know where to start. It’s very common to hear people struggle with meeting people because they work long hours and find it difficult to make connections outside of work.

If you don’t click with your coworkers, consider meeting their friends. Arrange to tag along with them on an outing, and you may make connections that way. Another tip is to consider attending events that align with your interests. Whether that be the local card shop, the soccer field, or a concert, you can be assured that you will meet someone with a common interest. This can be the basis for an introduction or conversation that could become a friendship. Another good place to look for friends is online. Quite a few dating websites have “looking for friends” settings, and there is no shortage of online chat sites or forums where you can introduce yourself to like-minded people. This is also a great solution for someone more involved with work, as being able to talk with people online without having to set aside time for events in person may work better.

Friendship and companionship are essential parts of the human experience, so making time to find people you get along with and can have fun with is non-negotiable for your mental health. Good friendships are positive assets that allow you to navigate hard times and enjoy experiences, but more than that, friendships can be a mirror through which you can experience yourself as you grow. Though it may be easier to believe you are better off alone, what we’ve learned about human connection says otherwise. The people you choose to spend time with and the bonds you create with them will always hold a place in your heart, and as long as the health of these relationships is positive, the joy you experience from these connections is unlimited.