What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?
We all, even as therapists struggle with bringing old cycles, unresolved pain and challenging communication styles into our relationships. Our partner is generally the person we spend the most time with, the one that knows us best, that sees us during highs and lows. Because of this, they are also frequently the target and cause of our pain. Couples therapy can help navigate these moments with greater empathy and understanding. It can also be preventative or before a big change in life like marriage, switching careers or having a child.
At bareWell we have couples therapists trained in the two most popular modalities: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman method. Today we are going to break down what EFT actually means and what it could look like in our work together.
Emotionally Focused Therapy was created by Sue Johnson in the 1980s using principles from attachment theory. Attachment theory looks at the individual through a relational lens by considering how we are impacted by the roles our primary caregivers played, our social support, and how we behave in romantic relationships. EFT builds on an attachment lens by examining emotions and emotion regulation. Essentially, EFT therapists utilize the emotions as a way in, a way to understand an individual’s experience, their relationship interactions, and their pain.
The theory of EFT uses emotions as a way of eliciting connection between partners. Using concepts such as unmet needs, emotional responsiveness, and the tango, EFT therapists assist couples in understanding their patterns, growing empathy for their partners, and facilitating meaningful connections. The goal of EFT is to restore a secure bond between you and your partner through the creation of new ways of thinking about and integrating vulnerability.
The Stages of EFT
EFT therapists generally begin by fostering a safe, therapeutic alliance and gathering information about your relationship history and current levels of connection. In the first stage, therapists are trying to define your interactional cycle and identify any attachment issues. Through accessing deeper, more vulnerable emotions, you will learn to reframe the problem and assess where you are in the cycle.
The goal of the second stage of EFT couples therapy is to change the patterns of interaction. This is accomplished by vulnerably sharing with your partner and also actively listening as your partner shares. The more each partner can share and be accepted by their partner, the greater the safety in the relationship. With the deeper expression of emotions and needs, you begin to really emotionally engage with one another.
In the final stage, you and your partner will begin to find new solutions and create new patterns. You will be aware of your cycle, be able to identify where you are and when it is occurring. You will also feel a secure attachment to your partner.
What to Expect in an EFT Session
The first sessions of EFT will likely feel familiar to what you may have encountered in individual therapy. You will tell your story, your relationship story. The key difference is that as you explore deeper, you may notice your EFT therapist slowing you down, pausing, using their tone of voice to soothe you or encourage you to explore deeper.
You will work together with your partner and therapist to understand your cycle. A negative reactive cycle occurs when couples are unable to reveal their underlying emotions, become reactive, and choose to protect themselves. This protection of self leads to disconnection and separation from your partner. In the EFT model, there is a pursuer and a withdrawer. In the cycle, the pursuer will chase the partner, nag them, yell. The withdrawer moves away, gets quiet, goes internal. As the pursuer pursues, the withdrawer withdraws, each moving further away from one another.
Both the pursuer and the withdrawer are acting out of fear. The withdrawer may feel that they are never enough, they can’t please their partner. The pursuer might feel abandoned or neglected. Both partners are acting out of attachment wounds.
When you learn your partner’s fears and share yours, communication changes. Rather than beginning the reactive cycle of pulling away from one another, you begin to recognize signs of disconnection and develop the skills to more accurately communicate what you are experiencing. For example, household chores are frequently mentioned as the source of conflict. If your partner neglected to assist you with loading the dishwasher and continues to leave dirty dishes in the sink despite your communication that you would appreciate their help, several things can occur. Either you can return to the pattern of conflict, becoming angry and defensive, or you can engage with your partner. You can share that when they ignore a need you expressed, it makes you feel like they aren’t listening or don’t care, maybe it makes you feel unsupported or alone. Chances are your partner doesn’t want you to feel unsupported or ignored. Letting them know the deeper reasoning behind your anger can help create change.
This is just one example of the benefits of EFT. Your relationship is unique and the benefits you will notice from doing the work depend on your needs, both as an individual and as a couple.
I hope I haven’t lost you! EFT is complicated, vulnerable work that requires openness and an effort to understand your partner. If you are interested in learning more about your cycle or what role you may play in your relationship, reach out to us.