Unpacking: Life Transitions

Most of you have heard the old cliche “the only constant thing in life is change”; it refers to the fact that we go through many different stages and situations throughout our lives. Over an average lifespan, people will change schools, change friend groups, move to other places, and take on different personal ideologies. Despite the inevitable, metamorphosis, evolution, or resetting can be difficult. Accepting that things cannot stay the same is one thing, but it’s just as much a facet of human nature to crave stability and security in our existing patterns. Understanding the concept and emotional impact of life changes is essential to making peace with these changing seasons. This is why for our second installment of the Unpacking series, we’re focusing on: life changes.

The term “life changes” may sound a little vague to some of you, but to expand upon the idea: life changes are discontinuities of current ongoing events in your life. As I mentioned earlier this could be due to a geographic shift, such as moving jobs, schools, or to another state or country. It could also be related to loss, like breaking up with a long-term partner or losing a close friend or family member. Other changes may be more internal, habitual, or personal, such as quitting smoking, discovering a serious health issue, or going through a period of self-evaluation on the road to making a large personal or emotional shift. The main points to keep in mind are that a life change is- one, substantial enough that it will affect you frequently or long-term; two, has a significant emotional impact; three, is distinct enough to have a clear beginning, turning point, and end. With those parameters in mind, we can get deeper into what the mechanics of a change are, and how they affect those going through them.

Frequency or longevity plays into the mindset you might have during a change, and can affect the process of acceptance, and also feelings of control. If you have a friend you usually see twice a week, and suddenly they are not around anymore, the feeling of absence can be jarring, especially in the beginning. Many people thrive on having constants in their lives that anchor their experience and help them structure their mental state. This is why having a “new” factor thrown in, especially when done frequently, can delay the process of re-calibrating to your new experience. Longevity, on the other hand, can affect feelings of control over the situation and has been described as feeling somewhat final. The feeling of being unable to return to something that you once found comfort in can be a difficult emotional hurdle to overcome. Some people may even come to view these changes as traumatic, and the consequences of that could make it hard to heal or accept future changes and result further in refusal to become comfortable for fear that the situation could go away just as quickly as it came. In both cases, perspective changes can be helpful. If you are feeling like you miss something, instead of letting yourself be overwhelmed by feelings of loss or grief, try to find another thing that will bring you joy instead. On the days you would’ve seen your friend, go out with another friend, take yourself to lunch, or walk at a nice park. It will help you keep your mind off of the things you're missing, but it will also create a positive association with your new constant.

As for the feeling of finality that comes with long-term changes, it is important to remember that no door is ever truly closed. For example, If you miss your old home or the people you’ve left, there's nothing that says that you can’t restructure or move back at a later time. However, what is most helpful is to have a healthy separation from the things that you had. Obsession with the past will prevent you from experiencing the joys that exist and are available to you in the now. The emotional impact of changes can be the brunt of the challenge when trying to adjust. There can be a good deal of stress involved while trying to prepare or adjust to new circumstances. When a situation is familiar, you can rely on instincts or subconscious knowledge to navigate, whereas in a new or unfamiliar situation, you have to put conscious effort in. Aside from the aforementioned feelings of loss or grief, there might also be fear of having made a bad decision or not being able to go back. Maybe even feelings of sadness or anger about the way a circumstance came to be. Some choices are anticipated, but others may not be, and some changes you might not realize are happening until you’re in the throes of it. The lack of certainty, paired with extra effort and mental presence needed to adjust, and a low level of control can create an undesirable cocktail of emotions to work through. However this is not uncommon, and it’s certainly not something that will last forever. 

It’s in times like these that it’s extra important to amp up attempts at self-care and give extra time to understanding and parsing through the thing you feel. Having a good routine, taking time to relax, and giving yourself ample time to acclimate can make a big difference when dealing with life changes.  We also recommend taking time to journal, process, or talk to a therapist about what you are experiencing when you're going through big shifts. This can help contextualize your experience, alleviate some stress, and help you get your thoughts in order so you can make decisions that will benefit you and make your transition easier. No one person will experience a life change the same as any other. This is a very individual process, which means that general advice may not be exactly what you need, but we still wanted to include a few helpful reminders that might be of help to those of you who are going through a life change right now. As we mentioned above routine, and self-care are musts. Slowing down and taking the time to acclimate and understand the way you feel is also important while going through a life change. We also believe that finding a strong community of people who understand, support, and are willing to hear you out is essential; whether this be a therapist, your family, old or new friends, or even a support group or online forum. Wherever you look for it, it's so important that you don’t face the challenges in your life alone. Conversely, taking the time to do some self-reflection, building up your repertoire of coping mechanisms, and stabilization techniques, and delving into your inner world is equally important. Lastly, and probably most importantly, the most difficult part of coping with a life change is acceptance. It’s a term that gets tossed around a lot in psychology jargon, but more or less it’s just a sense of peace you can cultivate for yourself regarding your situation. 

Sometimes less than desirable things happen, this too is a constant in life, however being able, or at least willing, to try to take things on the cheek and let a little of that proverbial water flow off your back can make it so much better. Acceptance is also a good sign that you're reaching the end of your emotional processing about your life change. Once you have taken the opportunity to process what has happened and release it, you can begin the new chapter in earnest. I once had a therapist who introduced me to the idea of a “good goodbye”. She explained it as being a way to end things that felt cathartic, and that allowed you to say everything you wanted to say and feel good about walking away after. I remember her telling me this while I was going through a tumultuous relationship, and it really gave me the confidence to make the big choice to end things. Though looking back it wasn’t the clean break that most people would want, I still think back to the experience as positive, because I had the tools I needed to end things with a grateful heart and the support to heal. This is what acceptance can feel like, and though life changes are not easy, there is a way to walk away with joy and gratitude for the opportunity you leave behind.

So, in short, life changes are not easy. There may be times you feel very out of control, struggle with your emotions, or feel there's no end in sight. However, with good coping skills, mindset adjustments, taking a steady pace, caring for yourself, and getting the support you need you too can find acceptance. You can learn to leave behind the things not meant for you with joy in your heart and the knowledge that every season of your life has its place, and there will be better days ahead.