Tips for Effective Communication

On our blog, we often speak about boundaries and making space for ourselves in adverse situations. Though it can be easy to negotiate your terms privately, communicating them with the people who need to hear them can be much harder. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, fear of public speaking, or glossophobia, affects almost 75 percent of the population, making it among the most common phobias the average person faces.

Most everyone has situations in their daily life where they have to speak to others. Beyond this, however, our social lives and romantic partnerships hinge on effective and honest communication to keep things on track. Holding back on talking about things that are important to us can have negative consequences for ourselves and for the person we are withholding communication from. We owe it to ourselves and those we care about to offer our honest opinions, even when those opinions are not always what the other person may want to hear. This is why in this article, we want to offer some tips to help improve your communication skills and give insight into overcoming fears surrounding expressing yourself.

First off, it's important to understand why honesty is such a valuable and important trait to develop, especially when you are trying to grow mentally. Lying, being deceptive, and hiding from your feelings may seem like the better alternative when the truth could cause you problems. This is a fallacy, however, as dishonesty is a short-term solution that could have a lot of long-term consequences for you and those around you.

Speaking openly will gain the respect of your peers, and often reflects on you positively. Even if you have done something wrong, being honest is the first step to making a good recovery, and increases your chances of being forgiven. We lie for many reasons, including preserving peoples’ image of us, fear of punishment, or shame. Even though these reasons have valid roots, lying is often associated with being self-serving, or having a hidden agenda, which could shift others' perception of you. Moreover, when you are not honest with others, it can wreak havoc on your inner world. The dissonance that it causes within can cause more anxiety than it is worth, as the guilt or pain of what you feel will stay with you far longer if you don't give yourself the chance to release it.

Another benefit of speaking honestly is that it creates an environment where honesty is welcome and celebrated. We have seen this phenomenon in the world of sports when athletes have spoken about their mental health struggles. Their honesty about the feelings they were battling allowed others to feel they could do the same, and ultimately improved the culture of the sports world as a whole. Speaking to others about your issues can help open a dialogue that helps everyone get their needs met.
Speaking of needs; honest and tactful communication is a good way to start with realizing your own. Even your best friends and romantic partners may not be able to guess what you need or want 100% of the time. It is your responsibility to make sure others know how you feel and what you need. Often, if approached in the right way, your relationship with whoever you’re communicating with is likely to improve, despite the tricky conversation that might have to be overcome from the start. Moreover, if you are clear about your needs and they are not willing to accept you or help you feel more comfortable in a difficult situation, you may consider that they might not be a good person to have in your circle.

Let's be honest, sometimes how you feel can be at odds with other people's wishes, which can make speaking your mind feel like a confrontation. Not everyone will handle the stress of this well, but the first step in becoming a better communicator is accepting that your feelings have weight and deserve to be heard. Making yourself small, or acquiescing and lying to fit into a situation that makes you uncomfortable instead of advocating for yourself is not fair to you. In the same way that you care for your friend or partner's feelings, you should care for your own.

However, this does not mean you should be careless and unkind when speaking your mind. Communicating is an exchange, and you must approach it with the same care that you hope to be shown when sharing your feelings. Being tactful and learning how to speak your mind is just as important as what you say. If you struggle with this, we suggest thinking about what you want to say before going into a difficult conversation. You can write your thoughts down or devise a script that will help you say what you want to say in the way you want to say it. This is especially important if the conversation is around a sensitive topic that is likely to be emotionally charged. An “I statement” is a great way to stick to speaking about your own feelings and avoid blaming the other person.

Here are a few examples of I statements, to help you get the gist:

> “I feel hurt by what you said to me.”
>“I am feeling stressed about coming to dinner tonight, so I would rather stay home.”
>“I understand you want to leave the party, but I am having fun, so I will catch up with you later.”
>” I broke the vase, and I am sorry that I upset you.”

After speaking your mind, it's important to allow the other person to share their feelings as well. Asking for their feedback or thoughts, and gaining clarity on what they're saying will help them feel heard and understood. It is also important to affirm their feelings about the situation and show gratitude that they are willing to listen and share. This will often make it easier for them to do the same for you in the future and raises the likelihood you will reach an amicable solution. 

Even when doing everything right, there is no guarantee that the other party will be receptive. Remember that if a conversation gets to a point where you are yelling at each other, calling names, or you feel physically unsafe, it is perfectly acceptable to take a break to compose yourself. In fact, it’s fairly normal to feel the need for space during an argument, and taking a break to regulate your emotional reaction to what is happening can make it easier to keep challenging dialogues productive. There is no point in sharing your feelings if the other person is not willing to hear them, and it's important that you come emotionally and mentally prepared to speak.

Though this balance will likely take practice and fine-tuning to the different individuals in your life, the basic principles of communication remain the same. Come emotionally prepared with your thoughts in order, use “I statements” to communicate kindly, and show appreciation when those you love hear you out. The benefits are endless when you allow yourself to be seen authentically, and feel comfortable making your needs known. The key is letting the pain or weight of your neglected feelings free so that they are not a burden to you anymore. Even though it can be scary, advocating for yourself honestly and tactfully can be a big step in the right direction toward meeting the needs of you and your loved ones.